Music, Milk, Yellow.

Love: A Brain Damage?

2010-11-06T12:04:00.005+07:00

Saya punya seorang teman yang saya kenal ketika saya baru saja masuk ke bangku SMA. Ketika itu, tahun 2004 tepatnya, saya berhasil masuk ke sebuah sekolah khusus perempuan yang menyandang gelar salah satu sekolah favorit di wilayah Jakarta Selatan. Teman saya ini adalah lulusan terbaik dari SMP-nya, dan ia memiliki pribadi yang ramah dan menyenangkan sehingga semua teman, dari yang setingkat sampai para senior, tidak bisa tidak menyukainya. Selama setahun saya sekelas dengannya, saya cukup dekat dengannya. Kami sesekali berbagi kisah pribadi, serta melakukan hal-hal gila bersama, salah satunya adalah ngamen di kawasan Pondok Indah untuk menggalang dana bagi acara ekstrakurikuler yang kami ikuti bersama!

Di akhir tahun ajaran, teman saya ini meraih ranking teratas di kelas saya. Sayang, setelah itu saya harus pindah keluar kota sehingga pertemanan kami pun hanya berlanjut via SMS, Facebook, dan kini juga Twitter. Sampai saat ini saya belum pernah bertemu muka lagi dengannya. Walau begitu, dia tetap termasuk salah satu teman yang saya idolakan, apalagi setelah saya tahu bahwa di balik kecerdasannya dalam bidang akademis, ia juga punya bakat dan selera fashion yang sangat baik, dan diam-diam bercita-cita menjadi seorang fashion designer sekalipun ia kuliah di bidang akuntansi di sebuah perguruan tinggi yang sangat terkenal dengan seleksi masuknya yang super ketat.

Sampai beberapa hari yang lalu, kami bertukar alamat YM dan ia pun mengontak saya untuk bercerita tentang pria yang sedang disukainya saat ini. Saya kaget ketika ia bercerita bahwa sudah beberapa waktu ini ia menangis setiap hari, karena merasa bahwa pria yang disukainya tidak memberikan respon yang positif padanya. Ketika saya tanyakan tentang awal mula hubungan mereka, saya bertambah kaget ketika mengetahui bahwa ia baru sekali kopi darat dengan pria tersebut dan sebetulnya juga baru-baru ini saja berkenalan lewat Twitter dan mengobrol lewat YM. Wow! Saya sungguh tidak menyangka bahwa perempuan se-cool dia pun bisa dibutakan dan, well, dibuat konyol, oleh yang disebut cinta. Namun, sebentar, apa dia memang sungguh-sungguh jatuh cinta? Benarkah yang dirasakan oleh teman saya ini adalah CINTA?

Setelah saya telaah lebih lanjut, teman saya ini ternyata sudah lama sekali tidak menjalin hubungan dengan lelaki. Terakhir kali adalah ketika dia masih duduk di bangku SMP! Dia merasa bahwa di umurnya yang ke-21 sekarang ini, ia sudah terlalu tua untuk menjadi single (yang sebenarnya agak menohok saya sih, karena saya sendiri juga single :p)! Ia sangat merindukan sosok pria untuk dicintai dan mencintainya. Ia bahkan berkata terang-terangan pada saya bahwa ia merasa kesepian, desperate, dan ‘butuh punya pacar’! Sekali lagi, wow.

Sebagai teman, saya memang tidak bisa berbuat banyak. Saya hanya menyarankan agar dia tidak terlalu terburu-buru dalam melakukan pendekatan dengan lelaki tersebut, karena takutnya lelaki itu justru akan merasa risih dan takut melihat wanita yang terlalu agresif! Selain itu, saya juga meyakinkan teman saya bahwa 21 tahun adalah umur yang masih saaaaaaaangat muda untuk mulai mencari pacar, apalagi suami.

Sebenarnya ini bukan pertama kalinya saya terheran-heran melihat perubahan drastis yang bisa terjadi pada seseorang diakibatkan hal yang diduga bernama cinta. Beberapa tahun sebelum ini, saya juga sempat menjadi tempat curahan perasaan seorang teman yang sudah saya kenal sejak kami berdua masuk SD! Dari kelas 1 SD sampai kelas 1 SMA, saya belajar di sekolah yang sama dengan dia. Bahkan, waktu SMP, kami pernah sama-sama tergabung dalam sebuah geng (pada zaman itu, kalau tidak termasuk dalam geng manapun di sekolah, berarti kamu adalah orang yang sangat-keterlaluan-tidak-gaulnya). Teman saya ini adalah orang paling pintar yang pernah saya temui seumur hidup saya, bahkan sampai saat ini mungkin. Dia langganan juara kelas dan juara umum semasa sekolah, dan pada masa kuliahnya ia juga pernah dikirim ke luar negeri sebagai perwakilan universitasnya untuk mengikuti olimpiade internasional. Lucunya, saya dan dia memang baru merasa dekat dan lebih benar-benar mengenal ‘dalam-dalamnya’ saat kami terpisah kota. Saat itu, kami sering sekali bertukar cerita lewat e-mail.

Dari cerita-ceritanya, saya justru baru tahu siapa teman lelaki yang disukainya semasa sekolah... siapa yang pernah mematahkan hatinya... apa yang menjadi alasan putusnya hubungannya dengan pacarnya di waktu SMP... dan sebagainya. Kemudian, ia juga bercerita bahwa saat itu dia tengah dekat dengan seorang seniornya di kampus. Pada akhirnya mereka memang menjalin hubungan, tapi saat ini sudah putus. Teman saya pun bercerita bahwa ia sempat merasa sangat down, seakan-akan tidak punya tujuan hidup. Dia merasa tidak ada yang tulus mencintainya. Dia merasa teman-temannya di kampus mau berkawan dengannya hanya karena otaknya yang encer. Intinya, dia merasakan banyak sekali depresi yang selama ini saya pikir tidak akan mampir di kehidupan perempuan sejenius dan setangguh dia. Apakah sayanya saja yang terlalu overestimate orang-orang ya? Eh, tapi kan lebih baik daripada underestimate? Setuju tidak? Tidak ya? Hehe.

Lalu, ada lagi satu teman kuliah saya yang pernah berada dalam sebuah relationship yang sangat damaging (mungkin hampir mirip relationship Rihanna dan Chris Brown... ingat kan? Bedanya, pacar teman saya sama sekali tidak ganteng seperti Chris Brown, tapi berhasil meluluhkan hati teman saya yang tidak kalah cantik dengan Rihanna itu :p). Jadi, teman saya ini ternyata selain selalu dikasari secara verbal dan fisik, diporoti uangnya, juga diduakan oleh lelaki ini. Saya dulu sangat heran mengapa teman saya bertahan dengan laki-laki ini, padahal dia bisa dengan mudahnya mendapatkan lelaki lain kalau ia mau, secara ia cantik dan pintar. Rupanya, lelaki itu sangat manipulatif. Dengan caranya sendiri, ia bisa membuat teman saya merasa bahwa tidak akan ada lelaki lain yang mau dengannya kecuali dirinya. Ia membuat teman saya merasa bahwa ialah yang membutuhkan lelaki itu, bukan sebaliknya! Astaga... Namun, beruntung akhirnya hubungan mereka yang tidak sehat itu selesai sudah, dan kini teman saya juga sudah berpacaran lagi dengan lelaki yang lebih beres...

Saya sendiri semasa sekolah adalah anak yang, kalau dideskripsikan, cukup 3B. Bukan Brain, Beautiful, and Behavior ya... tapi Bold, Brave, and Bitchy! Saya anak yang aktif, percaya diri, dan walau tidak sepintar kedua teman yang saya ceritakan tadi, saya tidak pernah tidak masuk dalam 10 besar tanpa harus berusaha mati-matian belajar keras. Yang paling diingat oleh teman-teman saya adalah bagaimana saya dulu sering bersikap sadis pada laki-laki. Saya orang yang gampang sekali bosan dan berpindah hati saat itu. Saya juga tidak segan-segan menyakiti perasaan laki-laki yang menyukai saya kalau saya memang tidak suka dengannya. Teman-teman dekat saya pasti masih ingat betapa saya berkoar-koar bahwa saya tidak akan pernah mau menikah ataupun punya anak suatu hari nanti, karena menurut saya, love is bullshit! Apalagi marriage! Mereka hanya geleng-geleng kepala saat itu, tidak berkomentar apa-apa. Ibu saya juga tahu perkataan saya tersebut, tapi dia hanya berkata bahwa semua akan ada waktunya. Hmm, oke.

Sampai suatu ketika, saya merasakan, untuk pertama kalinya, jatuh cinta yang benar-benar dalam dan membutakan, di tahun terakhir saya di SMA. Saya kelimpungan saat itu, apalagi saya pernah bertekad tidak mau pacaran sampai lulus SMA. Akhirnya, saya melanggar janji itu sendiri dengan menjalin hubungan spesial dengan laki-laki ‘beruntung’ ini, haha.

Namun, ternyata saya kena batunya. Setelah bertahun-tahun memiliki prinsip itu, serta sering kali mengejek teman-teman saya yang patah hati karena laki-laki, akhirnya saya merasakan giliran saya. Karma, mungkin. Saya ternyata hanya ditipu oleh laki-laki ini. Bodohnya, saya masih saja terus melanjutkan hubungan yang tidak jelas itu sampai sekitar dua tahun, on and off and on and off and on... Begitu terus sampai akhirnya saya muak sendiri dan memutuskan untuk benar-benar mengakhirinya.

Persepsi saya terhadap cinta memang makin rusak, tapi paling tidak saya mengakui bahwa saya telah salah selama ini, menyepelekan perasaan sedih teman-teman saya yang telah lebih dulu mengalami peristiwa patah hati seperti itu. Namun, walaupun saya bilang makin rusak, bukan berarti saya tidak bisa jatuh cinta lagi. Secara, seperti yang sudah saya bilang sebelumnya, saya cukup mudah berpindah hati, walau dalam menyukai seseorang, saya tetap punya standar-standar tertentu dong :p

Mungkin kalau dipikir-pikir, sejauh ini, sampai di umur saya yang ke-21 tahun ini, saya sudah pernah merasakan tiga kali jatuh cinta yang sungguhan. Yang lainnya, istilahnya ‘numpang lewat’ atau sekedar naksir lah ya... Tiga pria yang saya jatuh cintai ini tipenya berbeda-beda. Hmm, tapi mungkin tidak perlu dibahas siapa mereka dan seperti apa mereka di sini. Yang pasti, ketiganya memiliki kelebihan-kelebihan luar biasa yang memukauku, serta juga kekurangan-kekurangan yang pada akhirnya membuatku il-feel. Well, aku pun pasti seperti itu di mata ketiganya.

Saya bersyukur pernah bertemu dengan ketiga lelaki itu (dan, oke, beberapa lelaki lain yang walau cuma numpang lewat tapi lumayan memberi kontribusi :p). Dari mereka saya belajar banyak hal yang tidak bisa saya sebut satu per satu di sini. Segala bentuk cinta yang pernah saya terima dari mereka membuat saya mengerti bahwa cinta itu memang bisa terasa sangat indah. Semua sakit hati yang mereka berikan juga membuat saya semakin kuat, bisa menerima bahwa manusia tidak sempurna, dan sekaligus juga lebih mengenal diri saya sendiri: apa yang saya suka, apa yang saya cari, apa yang saya butuhkan dari sosok lelaki. Mungkin, setelah ini pun, saya masih akan mengalami cinta dan patah hati yang lain. Who knows, right?

Yang ingin saya sampaikan dari tulisan saya ini, terlebih pada para perempuan, adalah agar tidak mudah putus asa ketika mengalami kegagalan cinta! Memang, sungguh mengherankan ya, bagaimana laki-laki bisa membuat perempuan (even yang sangat cantik, pintar, dan strong-willed) jatuh pada perasaan-perasaan kelam yang sangat merusak jika dibiarkan berlarut-larut? Saya tidak bisa seenaknya bilang pada para wanita untuk tidak terbawa perasaan begitu saja, karena memang sebenarnya perasaanlah yang menjadi kekuatan seorang wanita! Sering dengar kan, ada yang bilang kalau perasaan wanita itu lebih lembut sekaligus lebih kuat dibandingkan perasaan lelaki yang cenderung lebih pakai logika?

Namun, ladies, perlu diingat bahwa kita, para wanita, juga punya logika lho (walau Agnes Monica bilang, “Cinta ini kadang-kadang tak ada logika”). Coba ibaratkan sedang belajar matematika. Dalam menyelesaikan soal matematika, rumus tidak bisa kalau hanya cuma dihafal, tapi harus dimengerti. Sekali kamu mengerti, logikamu akan semakin berkembang. Jadi, ketika soalnya dibolak-balik ‘sejelimet’ mungkin, kamu tetap bisa berpikir keras untuk mencari jalan keluarnya. Sama dengan hubungan cinta. Istilahnya, tidak bisa kalau hanya sekali latihan. Kamu harus ditempa dengan berbagai permasalahan terlebih dulu, baru kamu bisa memperkuat logika kamu dan menyeimbangkannya dengan perasaan dalam hati kamu. Bukannya saya bilang kamu harus latihan dengan banyak lelaki lho (siapa tahu kamu tipe yang kelewat setia sampai satu lelaki saja tidak habis-habis kamu eksplorasi :p)! Tapi, kalau mau dengan banyak lelaki juga tidak apa-apa (kalau saya sih sepertinya pilih yang ini :D)! Yang penting, jangan pernah terlalu lama meratapi nilai ulangan yang merah (putus cinta)! Kamu harus bisa mencari tahu di mana kesalahanmu supaya di ulangan (hubungan) berikutnya, kamu tidak melakukan kesalahan yang sama... tapi kesalahan yang lain! Hehe... Percaya deh, kamu lebih baik melakukan semua jenis kesalahan yang ada selagi muda, daripada terburu-buru dengan satu pilihan (yang kamu sendiri tidak benar-benar yakin...) dan melakukan kesalahan saat sudah tua! Aduh, udah nggak cocok, jeng! :p

Nah, sekarang kalau kamu tanya pada saya, “Jadi, lebih penting logika atau perasaan?” atau “Otak atau hati?”, Saya akan jawab, “Lebih penting otak.” Mengapa demikian? Karena bagi saya, otaklah yang mengontrol hati. Otaklah yang mengontrol perasaan di hati kita (yang letaknya saja abstrak, hehe :p). Gampangnya begini, bayangkan kalau kamu kecelakaan, lalu mengalami amnesia. Semua memori di otakmu hilang! Otomatis, semua perasaanmu terhadap orang-orang yang (sebelumnya) kamu kenal juga hilang kan? Bandingkan dengan misalnya kamu tiba-tiba il-feel terhadap sesuatu. Belum tentu memori hal itu akan langsung hilang dari otak hanya karena kita sudah tidak punya perasaan khusus terhadapnya kan? Hmm, apakah penjelasan saya bisa diterima? Feel free to give comments for this, okay?

So... don’t take this life too hard and too seriously while you are young! Even when you grow older, please just stay young at heart, and at brain! Cause young spirits are innocent, curious, playful, strong, creative, and HAPPY! J

I Miss You, Uz.

2010-04-13T21:28:00.002+07:00

This song goes to you... you who I cannot touch, reach, hug, and kiss anymore... but who I can still love...

"My Immortal"
By: Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Why can't I get you off of my head?
I miss you.
I always do.
Everytime I hear this song, I remember you.
I've never felt so hurt before.
The day I lost you, I knew that my life would never be the same.
I'm stronger, yet weaker at the same time.
I'm happier, yet sadder all at once.

I was blessed to have you in my life, yet burdened by the fact that you're one of the most important parts in it.
I was loved by you, yet I was hurt... and still am.

Everytime I tried to forgive you, I got upset.
But everytime I tried to hate you, inside I bled.

But somehow,
No one will ever replace you in my heart.
And I will always love you, Uz.

I'm Yellow But I Can Be Mellow :)

2010-03-24T15:19:00.003+07:00

Something funny just happened to me!

Suddenly I love slow and oh-so-mellow songs, especially the ones about love.
Here I list my top 4 current favorite love songs:

1. Officially Missing You - Tamia
2. Selfish - *NSYNC
3. Take It From Here - Justin Timberlake
4. After The Love Has Gone - Earth, Wind, & Fire

I guess it all started from my own project for one my university subjects called Metode Penelitian Kualitatif. My lecturer suggested me to do some research about how nightclub music influences the emotion of young people's.

If you pay attention carefully, you will find some special characteristics for young people who go to the nightclubs frequently. Generally, they're emotionally unstable and they don't have that much tolerance when facing diversities in their society. They tend to get involved with social conflicts and stand out to be rebels.

There's a presumption that those characteristics might be caused by the fact that they enjoy too much of loud music which is often played in nightclubs. Physically, loud music can cause headaches and the increasing of bloodstream and heartbeats. And this probably will be followed by some emotional outbursts. So, the objective of my research would be whether the nightclub music influences the young people emotionally and psychologically or not.

Somehow, I started the research by testing my own self. I know that I love all those upbeat and whooping songs, hehe :)
So, does my unstable emotion come from my interest of listening to those kind of music?
There's only one way to find out about that: trying on some slow songs for myself in a couple of days and see if I feel any difference.

So, these last two days I've been trying to stay away from some crap music (which, funnily, is my taste, haha...) and keep listening to some romantic slow love songs (especially those four songs I mentioned above!). Plus... I've been staying away from people who have negative aura (you know, those kind of people who like to look down on you and make you feel stupid or upset :p). And well, I guess somehow it worked!

I'm feeling a little bit more peaceful and calmed down now (suddenly I also feel like listening to Innocence by Avril Lavigne!)

"This innocence is brilliant... I hope that it will stay... This moment is perfect... Please don't go away... I need you now... And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by..."

Geez, music is truly my true love.

Random

2010-02-28T15:39:00.002+07:00

Right now, there are too many things in my mind. I wanna write about them all, but I can't choose which one I wanna write first.
Let me just write down some random words that are colliding inside my head...

myself.
define.
marriage.
relationship.
sushi.
hurt.
heart.
head.
headache.
brain.
smart.
boring.
forget.
cell.
love.
laptop.
kiss.
hug.
virginity.
dream.
work.
job.
friend.
ex.
mom.
dad.
quit.
stop.
die.
beer.
club.
grammar.
cold.
mouth.
words.
wonder.
student.
future.
past.
lust.
greed.
use.
scholarship.
ice cream.
cake.
movie.
cinema.
facebook.
lonely.
star.
junior high.
grandma.
candy.
dance.
sex.
cassette.
machine.
left.
hazel.
girlfriend.
vulnerability.
lie.
cheat.
test.
you.
me.
us.
belonging.
possessing.
let go.
choose.
decide.
turn.
move.
singing.
drama.
trust.

Me: Talking About Marriage!

2010-02-24T22:46:00.005+07:00

For some reasons, marriage has never been my dream, or my goal of life, all over this time.
I used to say that I would never want to get married and have children, and most of my friends were a bit shocked to hear that.
I can understand. I mean, it's not normal for a girl in my society to think of marriage that way. Well, I'm always an exception, eh? Haha.
Now, it is still not my dream, though I can't deny that I've been thinking about it too recently, since now I've found someone I love to be in a serious relationship with me.

Anyway, though it's not my dream, I'm always happy to see other people getting married, especially when I know they're both truly in love with each other!
I even once dreamed to be a wedding organizer, because I thought it would be fun to plan a perfect wedding party for many kinds of couples, as we all know that each couple would have their own unique interests about how to celebrate their special day!
So, although there is a normal international standard for wedding party (like white gowns, black tuxedos, etc), I believe different couple would have different 'personal touch' that would appear in their parties.

Anyway (again :p), I'd like to share something that has successfully made me feel so happy today.
I got an invitation from a friend of mine in my university (Chandra Novan, but we all call him Sukun!). I was surprised to see the invitation, because it was written there that he's getting married to his girlfriend (Maria Adriana Dewinta, or just call her Chichi) - who is also my classmate in university - this next Sunday, February 28!

Habis ngeliat undangan itu, gwe merasa seakan-akan mood gwe mendadak naik sampai ke titik puncak, dan gwe langsung memandang temen-temen di sekeliling kelas dan melempar senyum - yang sepertinya lebih kelihatan seperti seringai super lebar - ke arah Sukun yang duduk di pojok kanan belakang kelas (gwe tadi duduk di depan lho, hohoho...).
Temen-temen yang duduk di deket gwe ngerasa heran ngeliat perubahan raut wajah gwe itu. Ditambah lagi, setelah itu gwe langsung heboh membicarakan di mana dan kapan misa dan resepsi pernikahan itu akan dilangsungkan... belum lagi ribut masalah baju apa yang mau dipakai, dan dengan siapa kami akan pergi ke sana...

Salah satu dari temen-temen gwe bilang gini ke gwe, "Kok lu jadi kelihatan lebih seneng daripada yang mau nikah sih?!"
So I laughed.
I mean, YES, I was feeling EXTREMELY HAPPY for them! And well, yeah, I'm a bit drama queen, so that's why I felt like I needed to show what I feel!

Setelah euphoria itu selesai (dan setelah kelas Psikologi Eksperimen pagi itu juga selesai), suddenly my other friend asked me this silly little question, "Kapan nyusul, Mis?"
Kontan setelah itu, beberapa teman lainpun menanyakan hal yang sama, "Iya, Mis! Kapan nyusul lo?"
I laughed again, and I said, "10 tahun lagi! Lo pada masih inget sama gwe nggak besok tuh?"
Then they laughed.
One of them asked me again, "Kok lu seneng banget sih, Mis?"
I answered, "Ya gwe seneng aja, karena gwe selalu berpikir bahwa gwe nggak akan pernah married. Jadi kalo ada temen yang nikah, gwe bakalan seneng banget. Apalagi gwe emang udah lama banget nungguin ada temen yang mau nikah, karena bakalan seru banget dateng ke pesta nikahan temen bareng temen-temen yang lain!"

Yeah, that's what I feel.
I'm truly happy for Sukun & Chichi and I really wish them a great life in the future, as they will be starting a 'new life' on this upcoming Sunday...

And if you're also wondering, "How about you, Misha? When will be your turn?"
I guess I can't answer that question right away...
I still need time, so much time, to think about that.
Cause the only thing that people cannot rush from me is my heart.
They can rush every other thing of me, but not the deepest part of my heart.
(Okay, I'm getting a bit too cheesy and mellow here! Sorry)

I still have a loooooong way to go!!! But if that day ever comes to me, I want it to be the happiest day of the entire of my life :)

The Sadness, The Source, The Sickness, The Struggle...

2010-02-07T20:06:00.007+07:00

Dear God...

First of all, I want to apologize if I seem to never value everything that You have given to me.
I never meant to be like that, but if You don't mind, I just want to share a little something with You right now, right here...

Lately, I've been feeling sad, and sometimes a bit down... even sometimes, ANGRY!
I have tried to find the sources of my sadness and anger, and I think (maybe) I have found them.
Most of them came from my own, the rest were from some people around me.

I tried to talk it out with my mom, my besties, my boyfriend, even my pillow (ouch)... and You know I have tried to talk it out with You, every night in my lazy prayers (and oh, when was the last time I went to church? Jesus, have mercy on me).

About 3 days ago, I opened my old journal and found my friends' writings there, giving me some good (and silly) advices for me so I could be a better person (I asked them to). All this time, I have tried to do some of their advices (like, not to be too careless and ignorant, and not to be too rebellious ~ yeah, it all started with 'DO NOT... bla bla bla', haha...).

But the problem is, now that I found myself doing what they told me to, I started to feel uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong! I know that they had good intentions by telling those things to me, but I just never thought that being a little more caring could affect me badly!
When I tried to care more about the people around me, that's when they just would disappoint me. Well, then they said, I should just care and I shouldn't expect anything in return (wow, like it's an easy thing anyway!). I tried to be cool, but hey, I guess I just couldn't lie to my feelings. When I said I was disappointed, it means that I WAS disappointed. I just can't help being disappointed all the time, oh I know, it's because I am just way too selfish. RIGHT? I expected too much...
So what the hell am I going to do now? Should I go back to who I was, the girl who never care about anything else but herself? Or what?

Okay. Done with all my feelings of disappointment. Now I'm gonna talk about something which is more important. Far more important.
God, I am sick.
In a literal meaning, and I know You know what I mean.
Or, at least, I have the symptoms of those sicknesses.
Oh yes, there are more than one sickness that I feel like I'm having right now.
And I can't deny, they have been bothering me since years ago.
What scares me the most is the fact that I know about them.
But thank You, it's also what calms me down, because by knowing about them, maybe I'll be able to help myself, or maybe ask for help, before it's too late.

I found some articles from the Internet and hopefully they might come in handy everytime I need them. I also got some inputs from others which I might consider too. Even a friend told me to visit a professional to do something about my problems. But, well, maybe later... I'll stay away from professional strangers as far as I can...

Oh God, I believe that You're more professional than anyone in this world. So just stay with me until I can make it through, will You?

Amen.

Do You Believe That Dreams Can Come True?

2010-01-26T21:17:00.005+07:00

Hey, aren't you tired of reading bad-and-sad things-and-thoughts all over people's blogs? Now check this one out! I'm trying to write something optimistic here!

"Breakaway"
by: Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Note:

This beautiful and inspiring song is actually written by no one else but Avril Lavigne!
Setiap kali ndengerin lagu ini, gwe seperti selalu diingetin kembali bahwa DREAMS CAN COME TRUE IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN THEM!
Kebiasaan gwe adalah menulis hal-hal yang gwe pengenin di jurnal gwe, dan biasanya, sedikit demi sedikit, impian-impian itu bakal jadi kenyataan! Cause you know what? Segala sesuatu di pikiran kita yang divisualisasikan (dalam hal ini, ditulis di atas selembar kertas) itu punya energi yang lebih besar lho daripada cuma disimpen di dalem kepala... dan energi itu akan dipakai oleh alam untuk kemudian merealisasikan keinginan-keinginan kita itu! Hmm, terkesan sok tau? Bodo! Emang gitu kok. At least, for me!

Gwe udah mengalami cukup banyak hal dalam hidup gwe yang bikin gwe merasa down, putus asa, bahkan ampe pengen ngilang aja dari bumi!
Putus cinta? Sudah pasti pernah, hahaha! Dari mulai cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan, cinta terlarang, dijadiin selingkuhan, dibohongin, dimanfaatin, ditusuk dari belakang, ditinggal pergi... aih aih... itu sih biasa, jack! Namanya juga masih muda! Hehe...

But what makes my life different from the others is the fact that I have experienced some experiences yang nggak semua orang di dunia ini bisa ikut ngerasain. Hmm... nggak perlu diceritain secara detail lah ya masalahnya kayak apa, yang pasti sih masalah-masalah keluarga... yang oh-sungguh-pelik-dan-memalukan-sekali, dan sukses membuat seorang Misha Johanna merasa terhantam dan terbanting ke bumi (lah, emang selama ini di mana? :p) dan sempet berpikir bahwa life was not worth the living anymore... hmm...
Gwe yang dulunya (mungkin) seorang sanguinis-koleris, bisa berubah jadi sanguinis-melankolis gara-gara berbagai masalah itu. Hoho, hebat banget kan? Ternyata ada juga orang-orang yang menghancurkan hati gwe sekaligus mengubah kepribadian gwe!!! Wkwkwkwk...

Gwe dulu adalah tipe remaja yang bold and loud, and I would never ever let anyone bring me down because I had too much pride and too high confidence in me. So, I never thought that there would be somebody who can break me and tear me apart. Tapi... ternyata gwe nggak sekuat yang gwe kira, cuy! Ternyata, gwe juga bisa 'patah', huhuhu... And the ones who hurt me badly were they who I never EVER thought would and could hurt me! Freaky, isn't it? Haha...

Asli, gwe bener-bener nggak nyangka when that "shit" happened to me! Honestly, after that, I lost many dreams I used to have when I was younger... But then, I realized that God actually had a better, a VERY MUCH better, plan for me... for my life...
I was sent to a small town (hmm, mulai dikait-kaitin sama lirik lagu di atas neh!) to find some new people... and luckily, I got myself some true friends that I'm still keeping until now!
Somewhere along the way, I also met some more people who, in the end, hurt me and left me too. But I swear, they were nothing compared to the loved ones that I have right now! They were just lessons that I've learned, while for me, my loved ones are like precious diamonds I would want to keep until the end of time!!! They taught me how to slowly make peace with my past and keep moving forward to be the better 'me'...

Gwe ngerasa kayak perjalanan hidup gwe ini begitu indahnya terjalin, di mana dari satu orang, gwe akan ketemu orang lain, dan setelah itu ketemu orang lain lagi... yang mana semuanya meninggalkan jejak tersendiri di hati gwe. It's like, I wouldn't be here with the people I love now if I never met the people in my past! So it makes me believe that everything must have happened for a reason (or two, or more :p). And the most amazing thing is that, one by one, I found people who could get me up from my pain and sorrow, make me believe that I mean a lot to them, and even remind me about my dreams and convince me to go and get them all!!! They're there to help me find my way...

So, thank You, God, for sending me such wonderful people in my life... With them (yes, WITH THEM), I would love to strive for my future so we would all have better life TOGETHER! Dan seperti lirik lagu di atas, "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky... and I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway... Out of the darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget all the ones that I love... I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway...!"

Together? Whatever...

2010-01-21T01:34:00.004+07:00

This song keeps playing around in my head...

"Together"
by Avril Lavigne

Something just isn't right
I can feel it inside
The truth isn't far behind me
You can't deny

When I turn the lights out
When I close my eyes
Reality overcomes me
I'm living a lie

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel

[Chorus:]
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall

This has gone on so long
I realize that I need
Something good to rely on
Something for me

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel

[Chorus]

My heart is broken
I'm lying here
My thoughts are choking on you my dear
On you my dear
On you my dear...

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel

[Chorus x2]

When I'm around you
When I'm around you
I don't feel together
I don't feel together
When I'm around you
When I'm around you
I don't feel together, no
I don't feel together

Note:

Have you ever felt something like this?
When you're actually with someone, but it's only silence that's filling the air.
You know something is wrong, but no one is willing to put up the white flag and break the ice.

Do I miss you?
Maybe I do.
But I don't want to be the one who starts the conversation between us.
It was you who started this silent war, now it's you who's got to stop it.

I know, that both of us think that we are the winners...
When actually... we are both losers...
And I don't know how long we will keep this fake togetherness...

They said, "Love requires patience."
Huh. I don't think so. It requires stupidity.
You can only keep on loving someone who's not even worth your love when you let yourself being stupid, not being patient.

A Lively Loner

2010-01-19T17:33:00.007+07:00

Have you ever felt so together but so lonely inside your heart?
Or have you ever felt so alone but so secure without a guard?

.
.
.

I have.

It might sound weird, I know, but somehow it happens a lot of times to me.

I've been through moments when I was surrounded by -maybe- the craziest people ever, joking around... being funny... dancing like freaks... Yeah, I was there, smiling widely and laughing loudly and even dancing wildly as if I was enjoying the pleasure of having myself in a group of happy people.
But was my heart smiling and laughing and dancing as well?
They never knew.
I could have been feeling down and out that time, but I tried my best to put on some joyous face and pretended like I was pleased, so everyone would think that I was alright, or even drunk sometimes! You know, it's called 'acting', anyway...
Sometimes, I did not do a good job in my acting so that someone -usually who's close to me, or just a really sensitive person- would notice that there was something wrong with me.
Sometimes I also wondered if there was somebody else in the crowd feeling exactly the same thing... but then, of course, I would never know.

That's when I was so together with many, but couldn't find myself belonging to any...

On the other hand, I've also been through moments when there was only me and myself, no one else involved. Or, at least, no one was close enough to get into my 'private area'. But surprisingly, most of the times, I felt peaceful. I found my inner self when I was alone. The one who was, is, and will always be with me all my life...
Friends called me a party-animal, the life of the party, the uproarious clown, spunky woman, a tomboy who never cries... anything.
They just never met my inner self.
The best feelings come when I am being a loner.
Weird, eh? But that's true.
Just like my experience today!
I took a bus all the way back from my office, and then stopped at the nearest bus station from my house, then continued walking myself home. It just felt so great not to have anyone bothering my thoughts. Not that I never liked it when someone accompanied me... but there was a different sensation of making it alone!
Well, I know that nobody can save me or rescue me when I am alone!
But I know that nobody can hurt me or harm me when I am alone...

That's when I was so alone and unknown, but the innocence filled my zone...

As I grew older -and hopefully wiser- each and every day, I learned more and more about my self. I have realized that I am a sanguine-melancholy, which is a very strange combination because sanguine is, in fact, the opposite of melancholy.
It's not so easy to have both of them all at once.
Lots of times, my mood feels like a very bumpy rollercoaster. It can go all the way up to the highest sky... and then fall off all the way down to the lowest ground...

As a sanguine, I looove to be in the spotlight and entertain everyone with my charm! I love it when they all love to watch me perform and then give me compliments that will satisfy my fucking ears!

But as a melancholy, I may not need friends to make me feel good. Or, many times, I prefer to have someone who's thoughtful that would sit beside me without saying anything for a while... or for hours. Just the sense of a silent company already gratifies me. Moreover, if the person is able to know my feelings without me having to mention them one by one... and just letting me stay there, close and intimate... and not taking me for granted.

The old Rose from the Titanic movie once said,
"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."
Well, I guess I cannot agree more...

Haram, Haram...

2010-01-19T01:50:00.005+07:00

Hey, I just read this from someone's blog (http://bocahiseng.blogspot.com/2010/01/rebonding-foto-pre-wedding-pengojek.html):

Ponpes Putri Jatim Haramkan Rebonding, Foto Pre Wedding & Pengojek Wanita

Rambut Anda keriting dan kini berubah jadi lurus karena rebonding di salon? Atau Anda dan calon pasangan asyik berfoto ria guna keperluan kartu undangan perkawinan (pre wedding)? Di mata Forum Musyawarah Pondok Pesantren Putri (FMP3) se-Jawa Timur, semua kegiatan itu masuk kategori haram.

FMP3 baru saja mengakhiri kegiatan bahtsul masail pada Kamis (14/1/2010) malam bertempat di Ponpes Lirboyo, Kediri, Jatim. Kegiatan ini merupakan yang ke-12 dan digelar bertepatan dengan menjelang perayaan 1 abad Pondok Pesantren Lirboyo. Kegiatan ini diikuti 248 perwakilan dari 46 pondok pesantren putri se-Jawa Timur.

Hasilnya, 6 rumusan haram dihasilkan pada sejumlah permasalahan yang mengemuka di tengah masyarakat.

Komisi A yang dipimpin Ustadz Muhammad Tohari Muslim membuat rumusan haram untuk pekerjaan ojek untuk seorang wanita. Hal ini dilatarbelakangi pada pemikiran sulitnya menghindar dari kemungkinan terjadinya perbuatan maksiat.

"Menjadi tukang ojek bagi wanita tidak diperbolehkan karena sulitnya menghindar dari hal-hal yang diharamkan seperti tasyabbuh dan hal-hal yang menimbulkan fitnah," ungkap Tohari, dalam release yang diterima detiksurabaya.com pada Jumat (15/1/2010).

Naik ojek juga diharamkan bagi wanita untuk bepergian ke tempat ziarah, pasar dan majelis ta'lim. Rumusan ini dibuat dengan catatan apabila penggunaan jasa ojek oleh wanita dibarengi dengan ha-hal yang bisa mengakibatkan kemaksiatan, antara lain bersentuhan kulit, menampakkan aurat dan berduaan dengan pengendara ojek di tempat yang sangat sepi.

Komisi B yang dipimpin Ustadz Daru Azka, menyimpulkan rumusan haram pada kaitan penampilan, khususnya rambut. Rebonding bagi wanita single dinyatakan haram, karena dianggap dapat mengundang terjadinya maksiat. Gaya rambut rasta, punk dan pengecatan dengan menggunakan warna merah dan kuning juga dinyatakan haram.

"Pewarnaan pada zaman Kanjeng Nabi sangat disarankan karena untuk membedakan mana Muslimin dan mana Yahudi. Tapi sekarang kami melihat sudah terjadi pergeseran tujuan, sehingga pewarnaan bisa menimbulkan pemikiran orang nakal bagi setiap orang melakukannya," papar Darul.

Sedangkan pada Komisi C, rumusan haram dibuat untuk 2 hal, yaitu peran sebagai orang Nasrani untuk aktris Muslimah dan pembuatan foto pre wedding.

Untuk peran aktris Muslimah sebagai orang Nasrani diharamkan dengan catatan, hal tersebut dilakukan dengan maksud dan tujuan nyata menistakan agamanya, yang ditunjukkan melalui ucapan dan perbuatan yang mendukung, antara lain menghina Nabi Muhammad SAW dan menginjak-injak kitab suci Al Qur'an.

"Aktris memang dituntut maksimal dalam berperan, sehingga sulit membedakan mana yang dilakukan dengan tujuan penistaan jelas dan mana yang tidak. Untuk membedakannya jelas dengan menggunakan niat yang mendasari peran si aktris, karena dia sendiri yang mengetahuinya," ujar perumus Komisi C, Ustad Mudha'imulloh Azza.

Sementara, untuk pembuatan foto pre wedding diharamkan juga untuk 2 hal, yaitu bagi pasangan mempelai dan fotografer yang melakukannya. Untuk mempelai diharamkan apabila dalam pembuatan foto dilakukan dengan dibarengi adanya ikhtilat (percampuran laki-laki dan perempuan), khalwat (berduaan) dan kasyful aurat (membuka aurat). Sementara pekerjaan fotografer pre wedding juga diharamkan karena dianggap menunjukkan sikap rela dengan kemaksiatan.

Terpisah, juru bicara bahtsul masa'il FMP3 se-Jawa Timur, Muhammad Nabiel Haroen, menegaskan setiap rumusan yang dihasilkan bersifat tidak mengikat. Penerapannya dikembalikan ke masyarakat, dengan tanggung jawab juga ditanggung masing-masing pribadi.

"Intinya kami membuat rumusan untuk saran, bukan fatwa. Yang mempercayai kami anjurkan menjalankannya, bagi yang tidak sebisa mungkin bisa memahaminya dan bersaha menjalankannya," pungkas Nabiel.

(.http://www.detiknews.com/read/2010/01 /15/133419/1279223/10/ponpes-putri-jatim-haramkan-rebonding- foto-pre-wedding-pengojek-wanita)

Oh... wow, gwe cuma berharap kalau hal-hal ini kagak ikut diharamkan juga deh...:
1. Pengeritingan rambut
2. Rambut dicat hijau
3. Foto pre-school
4. Naik pesawat
5. Naik kereta ekonomi! XP

Hahahahahahahaha...!!!

There's Always First Time For Everything

2010-01-18T23:57:00.001+07:00

Hell yeah, and this is my first time writing my own blog!

Well, I used to have one, but I guess Friendster blog doesn't count, eh? :p
But I can't deny it used to be the best place to express any feelings that I had.

My feelings when I had to move to another school in another town for the first time... when I had to deal with a very big family problem for the first time... when I had my heart broken for the first time... until when I was finally able to move on and fall in love again with another guy for the first time after my first broken heart!

Sounds cheesy, eh?

But that was my life anyway, haha...
And it IS true that there is always first time for everything.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR! =)

Honestly, I shouldn't be writing blog at the moment, cause I need to prepare some stuff for teaching a foreign marine soldier (err... better not say 'sailor' cause it would just remind me about Sailor Moon, and that would sound too girly :p) at 1 PM tomorrow.

And, oh, it's actually already past midnight, so I can't call it tomorrow anymore, anyway. It is TODAY! January 19, 2010! I have to be ready 12 hours from now!!!

Well then, I guess I'm gonna leave this blog for a little while and come back after I get everything done tomorrow, eh, I mean today =)